Roses

My mother held my hand in hers. Warm and steady. Parading me around the world and giving me a sense of self.

I stopped holding my mother’s hand when my sister came along. She needed both our hands back then to get her up and going.

‘Hold your sister’s hand’, our mother’s chant, ‘she’ll still be there when those others are long gone’.
Did she drag me down? Did I force her forward?
Who knows. Sisters will be sisters.

Today she rarely needs my hand, though I often reach for hers.
Our mother’s too.
Both warm and steady. Lovely friendly hands.

My mother’s hand. My little sister’s hand.
And, do I dare to hope, a daughter’s hand.
I often dream of it, reaching out to me…..

Name of the Father

‘In the name of the Father’, he said, ‘and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost’.
She chanted ‘Amen’ in chorus with him.
That was their routine.
‘The Sign of the Cross’, he reminded her. ‘First memory I have of my mother, you know, teaching me the Sign of the Cross’.
‘Ah yes’, he sighed.
‘You’re very like her, aren’t you, Mother, I mean’?
‘Same…’, he pointed at her face then, stuck for words.
‘Eyes’, she finished the sentence for him.
‘That’s right’, he said. ‘Eyes. Two brown eyed girls’.
He smiled a shadow of a smile then and she was innocent enough to hope for more. The revelation was short-lived. He turned his back to her as quick, fumbling for his rosary beads.
‘In the name of the Father’, he started off again, ‘and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost’’….

 

The Journey

We were finished by then, weren’t we? Over and out. Completely undone.

Yet I hoped against hope, well, you know what I hoped.

That you’d ask me to stay, to forget about travelling, and stay close by instead.

And the worst bit about it was you never said goodbye.

Never caught me close in your arms, kissed me on the cheek, and wished me well.

Never said ‘I’m so sorry for everything that’s happened between us, Sophie. You deserve to be happy, you know’.

Even though, I do, don’t I, deserve to be happy, I mean…

 

Waiting to grow

Years ago when we were younger before we turned out as we did, they used to measure us, our parents, one against the other.

Up, we’d stand, feet flattened, heads held high, back to back, with shoulders almost touching.

Like two polar ends, east and west, we contrasted,
and it was marvelled at that two so different should be brothers’ daughters.

Standing there, I felt exposed, open to anything,
my eyes longing for the salvage of a corner seat.
You always towered above me, the taller one as I lingered below.
Waiting and even now, waiting to grow….

Jack Frost

Jack Frost sets out first thing. He wraps up warm. Covers every corner of himself in his cloak of chilly colours. The glacial blues and flashing silver hues are trademark Jack.

It’s dark when he leaves home. Dark and cold. The lonesome look of him makes it colder still. His snowy hair and icy eyes send shivering arrows through the air. These shimmering lights guide him on his way.

He travels purposefully in the direction of the woods. Quickly crossing fields and slowly straddling streams. His sailboat of a cloak billows out behind him, perishing every surface it penetrates.

Jack Frost has the powers to freeze. He grins a bitter grin as these magical powers take hold. His withering breath solidifies the earth. In, he breathes. Out, he breathes, leaving a trail of frosty fields in his wake.

He reaches Coolmore Wood just as dawn is breaking into day. He’s on his hands and knees now, Jack, breathing hard and fast. He has the look of a wild animal about him. He clutches his cloak close and scrambles on, determined to fulfil his destiny. To freeze every inch of ground on his designated patch.

The sun is slow to rise this morning. She trembles in the arctic air. Searches the wardrobe for an extra layer. Not to worry, she will shine bright and brave once she gets her bearings.

Jack Frost is done by then. He stands still, safe in the shadows of the woods. He takes a moment to survey his work. Left, he looks. Right, he looks. The polar scene pleases him. He grins his bitter grin again, delighted with his progress.

He needs to rest now, Jack. Hide daylight out. He finds a shady spot in a private place among the firs. He lies low there. Curls up into a cocoon in his cloak of chilly colours. His soft snores soon echo through the air. The trees sway lightly and take up the chorus.

‘Sleep tight Jack’, they chant.
‘Sweet dreams ‘til nightfall strikes again’.

Hope

Hope lights up my life.
Small as she is, she keeps me going.
I pray for her.
I believe in her.
I trust her.

She has kind eyes, Hope, and the warmest of ways with her. Such a straightforward smile.

She makes me laugh out loud. That’s probably what I love the most about her.

How much she cheers me up and cheers me on even when I’m not in the mood (and believe me, I’m often not in the mood) she gets to the root of my grumpiness and helps me to sing again.

To dance too, and you know what, that’s often the best bit, the dancing.
The letting myself go to the roll of the rhythm.

‘It’ll be ok’, she assures me, midway through the quickstep.
‘You’ll get through this same way you always do’.
‘Be yourself’, Hope whispers, as we waltz a slow waltz.
‘Keep wishing, keep hoping, keep dreaming for you never know what wild wonders await you!’

She’s right, you know. She speaks true. Her kind smile and warm eyes convince me of that.

Hope lights up my life.
Small as she is, she keeps me going.
I pray for her.
I believe in her.
I trust her.

 

David

Sometimes going up the mountain helps. The climb clears his head and lifts his heart. He sings a happy song all the way home. Sometimes.

Other times going up the mountain doesn’t help at all. It only brings him down. The ascent rattles him. Clouds his heart and clutters his head. He’s fit for nothing after it. Finished for the day.

He hides his face when these low moods strike. Keeps himself to himself. Waiting them out.

He’s glad when night falls dead on these days. He steps out into the darkness then. Lets its courage captivate him.

Sometimes it works its magic straightaway and the moon shines down on his soul.

Other times, it’s all he can do to nudge the small speck of spirit still left in him to muster up the sound of the stars….

 

Louisa

She’s never settled.
Always in a fluster.
A flap.
A flurry.
Working herself into a tizzy over something
Or nothing.

Getting agitated.
Upset.
Over excited.
There’s always some commotion with her.
Or confusion.

Does it bother me?
Do I find it disturbing?
Not a bit of it.
Sure, she knows,
I wouldn’t have her any other way.

 You see, I love her fluster.
Her flap.
Her flurry.
I even love her tizzies.
Love the way
She enthusiastically engages with the world.

She’s made a man of me.
She has.
‘Come out from under that shell’,
She commands,
And somehow or other, I do.

I catch onto her hand
And she smiles at me.
‘C’mon’, she says, ‘you’re well able for this too’.
And suddenly, I’m off.
Dancing with her,
Smack bang into reality.

Who wouldn’t settle for that?

 

Loss

The colour of her loss is blue. Not duck egg blue. Or sailor boy blue. Or Holy Mary blue. But mottled blue like the bruised blood in an old woman’s ropy veins. The colour of hurt. The colour of tears. The colour of pain.

Her loss smells blue too. Damp and dank like long forgotten mouldy bread. No freshness left in it. Nothing only dust and decay.

And it sounds blue. This loss. Such a melancholy sound. I’ll let her keen it out for you. As dejected as a door slamming in your face. As sad as a string of silent sulks. As downhearted as the beat of hollow drums.

As for taste, you can hear the coarse edge of it from the rasp in her throat. A vicious sting every bit as bitter as the vinegar soaked sponges they forced on Our Lord.

It is a crucifixion to her. This loss. There is no other way to describe it. She senses it so very deeply. Sees and smells and hears and tastes it in every fibre of her being day after endless day.

It takes her breath away in the finish. This overpowering loss. Pushes her under. Stifles her struggles and drowns her deep…

Whatever it takes

Whatever it takes, I’ve vowed to bury you deep. Say a prayer that after it all, you rest in peace.

 And, I’ll do whatever it takes, I will.

I’ll suit up. Boot up. Buckle up. I’ll show up. Face up. Steady up. I’ll ship up. Shape up. Man up.

 And, I’ll soldier on, drive on, plough on. Live it, bear it, shoulder it, say it.

 Whatever it takes, I’ll rise to the occasion, I will.
I’m going now to see my follow through.

To sit alongside you. To pray over you. To accept others’ sympathies on account of you.  And then, to take my turn saying my last goodbyes to you.

 Whatever it takes, I’ll join with the others to offer your soul up to God, the Most High. I’ll pray a final blessing with them, I will.

‘May the Lord you believed in all your life bring you peace at the last.
Peace of mind and peace of heart.
And may you be happy forever now,
Your spirit keeping time with the stars …..’